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From All of Us
to You!

Writing to complain by Lesley Timms

Summer air scented sweet by the jasmine’s

Starry flowers round the old cottage door.

Golden thatch; ivy-framed lattice windows;

White dovecote; rippling brook; flowers galore.


In the parlour, an Inglenook fireplace;

Head-high beams; musty smells. A delight!

Sunshine dappling the faded chintz armchairs,

My idyllic retreat for the night!                                        


But at midnight with thunder clouds crashing

Came a scratching outside on the pane.

Such a nerve-shredding, unworldly scraping,

Whilst the howling wind moaned out my name.


Knees a-knocking like frenzied woodpeckers,

Whimpering, I quaked under the sheet.

Then a gnarled hand smashed in through the window,

Clawed the bedclothes and tickled my feet!


The stench of decay scorched my nostrils,

Wretched hags cackled out of the gloom.

Weeping warts; swivel-eyed; breath like sewage,

On the mirror one etched ‘Meet your doom!’


Crazed and gibbering, I lurched to the kitchen;

A huge spider stood blocking the door!

Slobber dribbling, he eyed me for breakfast,

As a change from his snacks of wild boar.


I streaked, half-deranged to the toilet,              

My bowels somersaulting with fear.

But relief turned to castrato screeching

When a rat bit a chunk from my rear!


But the reason I want to complain, sir,

Why I’m fuming, what irks me the most:                           

On arriving at Cosy Nook Cottage..                     

There was no blinkin’ bread for my toast!  

The Linnets Wings