Summer air scented sweet by the jasmine’s
Starry flowers round the old cottage door.
Golden thatch; ivy-framed lattice windows;
White dovecote; rippling brook; flowers galore.
In the parlour, an Inglenook fireplace;
Head-high beams; musty smells. A delight!
Sunshine dappling the faded chintz armchairs,
My idyllic retreat for the night!
But at midnight with thunder clouds crashing
Came a scratching outside on the pane.
Such a nerve-shredding, unworldly scraping,
Whilst the howling wind moaned out my name.
Knees a-knocking like frenzied woodpeckers,
Whimpering, I quaked under the sheet.
Then a gnarled hand smashed in through the window,
Clawed the bedclothes and tickled my feet!
The stench of decay scorched my nostrils,
Wretched hags cackled out of the gloom.
Weeping warts; swivel-eyed; breath like sewage,
On the mirror one etched ‘Meet your doom!’
Crazed and gibbering, I lurched to the kitchen;
A huge spider stood blocking the door!
Slobber dribbling, he eyed me for breakfast,
As a change from his snacks of wild boar.
I streaked, half-deranged to the toilet,
My bowels somersaulting with fear.
But relief turned to castrato screeching
When a rat bit a chunk from my rear!
But the reason I want to complain, sir,
Why I’m fuming, what irks me the most:
On arriving at Cosy Nook Cottage..
There was no blinkin’ bread for my toast!