Labels by Becky Soto

Holy Christmas! How am I supposed to read the print on this bottle without a magnifying glass?

Grandma, you just need new glasses!

Glasses my ass, young lady. They make the print so small a mole couldn't read it.

But Grandma - moles are blind. They can't read anyway.

That's what I said - never mind that moles are blind. What time is it?

It's half past 4 o'clock.

Good! The pharmacy is still open. I need to take this bottle back.

But, Grandma, they can't change the print size. Most people can read the label.

Well, I'm not most people. When I was your age I could read what was printed on the head of a pm. There's print on a pin head?
That's my point, young lady. Take me back to the pharmacy now, please. Enough idle chatter.

Ma'am, we don't make the labels here. The bottles come pre-labeled. I can't change the print size.

Tell me young man, where are the bottles made? In China like everything else? That's the problem. The Chinese are tiny people and they make tiny things.

Madam, if you would like, I can print out your medication's instructions from our computer in a larger font.

Young man, if these bottles didn't have so many warnings on them the print would be normal size.

Look at this - may make me sleepy, may upset my stomach, may make me constipated, may make me dizzy - may make me go blind from reading all this goddamn tiny print!

So Grandma, what did the pharmacist say? Did he give you another bottle?

No, miss smarty-pants, he did not give me another bottle. He gave me a new label. It's too large for the bottle so he folded it up instead. See?

Grandma, that's a computer printout, not a label.

Yes, it is a label. It's a regular size label, not a goddamn tiny Made in China label made by tiny Chinese people! They want us go blind like the moles.

The bottle isn't made in China!

Yes it is. Look at the bottom of it.

Oh, you're right. I don't believe it.

Don't believe I'm right or it's made in China?

Both. Well, good night. I need to go home and make dinner for Charles.

I don't understand why you call your baby Charles and not Charley. Charles is too formal for a teeny baby.

I have to go. Bye, Grandma. Don't blame it all on the Chinese. The whole world is getting smaller.


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